How to Pitch SEO Like a Boss

One of the most common questions I get asked is “How can I pitch SEO to a client while drinking, because I drink a lot, and my wife and kids and mortgage bear the brunt of it but, you know, I’ve been best friends with Jack Daniels since I was 15 and that’s way longer than I’ve been friends with my wife and my kids, so I’m just not ready to end the relationship with Jack Daniels just yet?”

Thankfully we have a great example of someone doing an SEO pitch right, and they’re from MicroSoft so they know what’s up:

Ol’ Reliable

People often ask me what machine I use to do all of my awesome internet marketing – And after I’m done giving them a gun show I show them this bad boy.

Just as it says on it, it will never be obsolete. I’d like to see your computers try and run IE1 as well as my machine does.

Specs:

566 MHZ Intel Celeron Processor. 32mb SyncDRAM. 128KB L2 Cache. 7.5GB Hard Drive. 40x CD-ROM. 3D AGP Graphics. 56k Fax Modem. Bitches.

Javascript Winning

The best way to go about getting some extra revenue is to place automatic keyword links on your page like this:

Or even like this:

It’s easy and just about anyone can do it!

Rel Cheat Sheet

What? You never seen a Raptor before?

We’ve all heard of the “nofollow” attribute for the rel element, but haven’t you been as paranoid as me about other apparent rel tags that change how you rank in Google that they just aren’t telling us?

Fortunately, after many years(ish) of study, I’ve compiled a cheat sheet to help everyone know what other attributes to put in the rel element of the <a> tag to make your ranking increase! If you aren’t using these hip new rel attributes then you are definitely going to get left in the dust of hip SEOs.

Attribute What it does
“I-love-Google” This rel tag will help you rank well for just about anything in Google, not so much in the more important Alta Vista or Ask Jeeves search engines, but who are you to complain about something like this? This is free information, dammit, be grateful!
“sock-it-to-me” Remember that one night you were drinking with your buddies and one of them talked about that urban legend where your computer could catch on fire if someone hacked it? Well, this is nothing like that. This just let’s the search engines know that you mean business.
“Double-Rainbow” There was a time when videos naturally went viral, that time is now. The now-famous YouTube video of a dude commenting on not one, but two rainbows visible to the naked eye was what spawned this rel attribute. It tells search engines that you’re hip and know what’s happening on the interwebs so your link should be featured high in search.
“NTHGTHDGDCRTDTRK” What were you doing in 1997? If you were at all cool then you were probably playing Turok the Dinosaur Hunter. Fortunately, so were 90% (give or take 90%) of search engine engineers, and they put the master cheat code in as a rel attribute so you could unlock master SEO powers. Also, spoil alert, Snape kills Dumbledore.

There are probably many more undiscovered rel hacks that you can do to rank higher in search, but these are by far the best ones and you need to use them before everyone and their mother does.

Photo Credit

Google is Big Brother

What is with all this talk about Google being bigger than big brother?

Just because they’ve cached 70%+ of the internet, can keep track of our site’s traffic patterns, and claim to provide over $60 billion in economic value to users means nothing!
Found it on Reddit

How to Guest Post

People often approach me and say, “Hey Mr. Puttz, besides being able to bench press 500lbs and being a total ladies’ man I was hoping you could tell me a little bit about how I should go about getting guest posts on other peoples’ blogs so I can successfully get backlinks back to my semi-awesome blog.”

I’m glad you asked! Let’s start from the beginning.

Just as any good SEO knows, your main job is to get ranked highly in search engines such as AltaVista, Ask Jeeves, Bing and sometimes even Google. One of the top ways that webmasters are able to increase their rankings is to get links back to their site from other blogs and so it makes sense to spend some time contacting other blog owners (I would recommend via telephone) to see if you can submit a post to their site.

In exchange for them giving you a link back to your site you give them a written piece of content, provocative pictures, money, your first born child, your soul (Joke’s on them – I already sold my soul!), or an autographed picture of yourself.

Who should I contact?

Make a list of all the sites you frequently visit and try to find the webmaster’s contact information – Many sites don’t include a phone number so you’ll have to try by email or write them a letter.

One site I frequent quite a bit is facebook.com. With over 900 million users it’s sure to have a lot of traffic and my guest post will probably be seen. Unfortunately it’s not a high quality site when you consider that, with 900 million users it’s only liked by 68 million of those users.

Maybe you should take a pass on this one.

Establishing Contact

So you found someone who you’ve decided to contact, now what?

Great question. Now that you’ve found someone and collected their contact information you can begin the fulfilling process of establishing a relationship with them by introducing yourself and telling them what you want.

Dear Sir/Madam,

DO YOU KNOW WHO THE F*** I AM!? YOU DAMN WELL BETTER GIVE ME A GUEST POST ON YOUR BLOG OR I’M COMING FOR YOU!

Regards,
Matt Puttz

Your success rate might not be as good as mine, but we can never be sure because I’ve never actually done this before. Fortunately I was born with a lot of intuition and a go-getter attitude so success should come easy to me.

Closing the Deal

Eventually, once they respond, you can work out the details.

From: Matt Cutts <sexybear@mattcutts.com>
To: Matt Puttz <spamburglar@mattputtz.com>
RE: YOU BETTER ANSWERS THIS

Dear Mr. Puttz,

Is this some sort of joke?

Regards,
MC

Unless you’re me you can’t expect success every time, or even every other time. Establishing relationships and letting people let you guest post on their blog is a delicate process that requires a lot of time, preparation, alcohol, and a little bit of luck!

Photo Cred